TUBE RAGE and the glimmering light of a underground ninja

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This was the first full week back and work and by god was I an angry commuter. So my ducks, here is a list of donts when using the London underground at rush hour.

1) Don’t read your kindle while walking between tube lines at a station, you can wait till you are standing still

2) Don’t let your toddler make their own way up the stairs while exclaiming what a big boy/girl they are – you are taking up the entire staircase

3) Don’t stand on the left

4) Don’t start pushing to get off the tube before the doors are open – the people you are pushing past will probably be getting off too

5)  Don’t make a pregnant lady/old person stand while you pretend to ignore them

6) Don’t stand on a crowded commuter train with your handbag wide open – I have scruples so I won’t take your wallet and iPhone but just don’t be that stupid

7) Don’t be a Beatle 

8) Don’t wait till you are at the barrier before trying to find your Oyster card

9) Don’t play your music loud enough for the entire carriage to hear it – your tough guy demeanor is really ruined when we all know you are listening to Destiny’s Child

10) Don’t jump in when the doors have already started closing – they will smoosh you and it will make the rest of us late

Now, after that list of hatred is my one glimmering bit of hope, the appearance of an underground ninja on the district line.

A man in a pinstriped suit, holding a briefcase and reading the paper, stands in the middle of the carriage and holds onto nothing. Throughout my entire journey he does not falter once, he does not bend and he does not jump. He simply stands in the jerking, leaping train and maintains his balance.  Legend.

7 Comments

  1. January 12, 2013 / 11:03 am

    Have a go at no hands some lines are easier than others – circle is for hard core no hands riders…..

  2. January 12, 2013 / 3:45 pm

    haha I have violated rule no. 8 before. you can feel the immense pressure from behind!

  3. March 6, 2013 / 8:22 pm

    I’ve learnt now on my regular journeys which station pull outs/intos are smooth and can therefore risk the hands-free change the ipod track manoever, and feel like a smooth sailor when I casually rock over to the exit while the train’s still moving. But, I rage out everyday when I get off at Liverpool St, where I always make it obvi I’m getting off (hand off rail, turn about, look alive), and yet always get shoved from behind by frantic departers. Have been known to say ‘yes, I’m getting off too, give me a chance’ and other less polite words (FFS).

    • March 7, 2013 / 11:20 pm

      RAGE!!! (and by rage, I mean curse at them inside my head while never actually telling them they are idiots)

  4. January 22, 2014 / 11:49 am

    It’s one of my dreams to be a tube ninja. My current theory is that it’s a combination of a zen-energy AND hardcore leg muscles.

    • runawaykiwi@gmail.com
      January 22, 2014 / 11:34 pm

      I think you are totally right – scientific studies are needed!

      • Nikki
        January 23, 2014 / 1:25 am

        More squats. Pump class asap!