How to play Tinder

Covent Garden from Above

I have an amazing group of kiwi and token kiwi (Jess I’m looking at you) girls in London. Now this being London the chance of spontaneously catching up is almost nonexistent, so Emma planning after work drinks a month out was just the ticket. I knew the evening would bring a lot if laughs, what I couldn’t predict however was that the laughs would all be Tinder based.

We met at 21 in Covent Garden, brilliantly central so rather shockingly we all made it on time. Unbeknownst to us when you book a table you each get a free glass of prosecco, that’s where the magic of Tinder stepped in. Of the four of us, one was married, one in a long term relationship, one too sensible to have Tinder and then there was me. I had downloaded the app but never used it.

Love Hate neon sign
After the aforementioned proscecco and a couple of Latin Lover cocktails I relinquished all control of my phone to the giggling nutters sitting at my table. As I gazed over the packed Covent Garden the girls got busy choosing my future husband.

Tinder ideal man 2Some men were rejected based on photo alone, any ‘dude’ with a full body naked mirror shot was an automatic disqualification. Likewise any chap who was ‘dtf’ got first ridiculed and then eliminated. Then every so often there was the above type of beauty (identity has been obscured) who had us questioning the very nature of the modern man & how much of a pain it would be to set up a man hating commune.

Boys of Tinder here are some simple rules to avoid being laughed at by tipsy kiwi harpies:

1. Only go on Tinder if you are single (see above), or are there to pick out the mate of a single friend.

2. Use a picture where your face can actually be seen & you don’t look like a man-rainbow.

Tinder ideal man 13. Be honest about your intentions, it’s ok if you want a one night stand but maybe find a more poetic way of saying it than dtf.

4. It’s just a game, wait till you level up before you face the boss.

5. Don’t be a dick

Tinder ideal man 3

9 Comments

  1. August 28, 2014 / 9:14 am

    All kinds of AWESOME! I want to play too (Just don’t tell Hubby)

    • runawaykiwi@gmail.com
      August 29, 2014 / 9:02 am

      Totally just find a single friend and hijack their account, way more fun and hugely entertaining to watch them squirm!

  2. August 28, 2014 / 11:57 am

    Brilliant. I honestly cannot remember the last time I laughed that hard. (And so honoured to be a token Kiwi!)

    • runawaykiwi@gmail.com
      August 29, 2014 / 9:01 am

      You can’t get away from us now. Please be aware that since you have joined the club (lifelong membership) you must never support Australia in any sporting endeavors.

  3. August 28, 2014 / 6:49 pm

    Hahaha, hilarious. Tinder is so bizarre. My friend has an album on Facebook where she collates all of the bad tinder profiles!

    • runawaykiwi@gmail.com
      August 29, 2014 / 9:01 am

      Ooo that is amazing, she should totally set up a Tumbler for it (I would love to see!)

    • runawaykiwi@gmail.com
      August 29, 2014 / 9:00 am

      I can’t actually believe some of the pictures. The worst are when they have actually put their own ‘tinder match of the day’ sticker on top…as if anyone would believe it!