How to be sick like a fucking grownup

No Good Shoreditch
YOU HAVEN’T POSTED ANYTHING FOR TWO WEEKS AND HAVE BEEN A GHOST ON SOCIAL MEDIA ARE YOU ALIVE? Yes, kind of. Not posting on social media is the new sign of the apocalypse and for the last two weeks I’ve been struck by the deadly plague.

None of that gentle tickle in the throat to warn me I was getting sick, just waking up on a Sunday morning with a fever burning hotter than Bieber’s loins. After a couple of days of attempting to shake the fever I then graduated to a cold from hell that left me with all kinds of phlegm based superpowers. I know, I don’t know how I contain this much sexy.

I realise that at 27 and after living in London by myself for four years I should be able to cope with getting sick…HAHA NOPE. So here are my tips for how to be sick as a fucking grownup.

1. Send panicked text messages to your mother on the other side of the world
Clearly in my fever induced state I entirely forgot about the planet in between us, and thought that texting my mum would solve all things. To be honest all I actually wanted was for her to make me a cup of tea (see point 5) and tell me I wasn’t going to die. When I couldn’t reach her I instead put on an audio book and let the dulcet tones of David Attenborough calm me down; trust me, Attenborough is the man you want around when you are panicking and trapped in your sweaty sheets.

2. Find yourself googling “same day lemon delivery + London”
Lemon and honey drinks are a legit form of health in a cup. In the middle of my fever dreams I was convinced that all I needed was the power of lemons to be well again. Problem was that it was raining outside and I’m 90% sure that the benefits of the lemon would have been outweighed by walking to the corner store in the freezing rain. Instead I googled “same day lemon delivery + London”. The only website that came up I’m pretty sure was using the word ‘lemon’ as a euphemism. Forget the lemons and cry instead. Feel even worse because you are still sick, still have no lemons and now your face is puffy.

3. When your mother doesn’t respond (because: time zones), send panicked texts to your friends
Your friends are amazing and they will tell you that you probably won’t die, it’s very unlikely that you actually have the plague even though you live in London and then they send you flowers. Friends are amazing and you should find some ASAP.

4. Attempt to remember how to get rid of a fever
My attempt involved a lot of cold flannels and using the unforeseen benefit of London being ball-ache freezing this month – turn off the heating and your flat becomes a full body cold flannel. When neither of those work put warm socks on and try to remember if ‘drawing the fever out of your head and into your feet’ was something you saw Mrs March doing to Beth on Little Women or if it is an actual thing.

5. Pry yourself out of bed to make lifesaving tea, drop the tea on your foot, and then cry in the kitchen because everything is horrid
No real explanation for this one except fever, snot and inherent clumsiness. If you were wondering, the cup didn’t break and I put the cold flannel from my head straight onto my leg. Life hack?

6. Find loads of drugs under your bed
Like cold and flu drugs, I can’t afford anything more hard core. At first I was like ‘yay I have drugs to make me better’, then I realised they were all out of their packets and I had no idea what any of them were for. It was just a random collection of prescription drugs from the last four years… get in me. I took the yellow ones because I figured they were the colour of sunshine. They worked? I think? All I know is that I woke up on the floor 14 hours later, so I will call that a win.

7. Move from a fever to a cold and get freaked out by a bird
By this point I was pretty certain that it wasn’t a rat born plague, and was resigned to my coughing sniffing state on the couch for a few days. That was until a wood pigeon started looking at me through the window and wouldn’t stop. It was like a lurker on Tinder that matches and then never messages, just casually watching me watching Charmed for hours on end. It was at the point that he called a friend to join his voyeuristic pigeon party that I decided I was well enough to go back to work.

10 Comments

  1. March 15, 2016 / 12:58 am

    I feel for you cos I’ve been exactly the same, I’m on day 9 and it still sucks, had to go out and do another tissue run today! Glad you’re feeling better though. X

  2. Darren
    March 15, 2016 / 2:01 am

    Glad you’re better and glad you’re back. I was getting withdrawal symptoms.

  3. Caitlin Jean
    March 15, 2016 / 6:41 am

    My exactly thoughts about being sick as an expat. It seem sooo much harder to deal with than back home.

  4. March 15, 2016 / 11:07 am

    Ugh, I’ve been ill too and it sounds like we have a similar thing! Hope you’re feeling better 🙂

  5. March 15, 2016 / 10:12 pm

    I feel like the worst thing ever is to be ill/sick when your mum isn’t there. I hope you’re feeling better by now. Having a fever and a cold suck!

  6. March 16, 2016 / 9:25 am

    Oh man, I was so worried about you!!

  7. March 16, 2016 / 11:07 am

    I am the same with medicine and then Fredrik would get all pissy about it, so now I secretly put medicine in my nightstand where he will not find it being a giant fucking mess and his is all nice and organized in plastic bins in the kitchen.
    A

  8. March 16, 2016 / 11:15 pm

    Your writing always cracks me up .You even make being ill funny. Hope you’re feeling better now!

    Brian.

  9. March 16, 2016 / 11:16 pm

    PS About that pigeon… You need to listen to “Bleak Expectations” (Series 2, I think) and then it will all make sense…