There are few certainties in life. One of the only ones I have found, is that in a UK office the very first Monday morning interaction with your co-worker will be a comment about how hot/cold/grey/wet the weather is, followed shortly by “how was your weekend”. Normally this polite inquiry can be answered with a highlights reel; I went to this place, saw this thing, ate this food. All is above board and you both walk away from the conversation with no lingering awkwardness ready to start your working week.
It doesn’t however always go according to plan. Sometimes you have spent your weekend in….well….unreportable circumstances that if shared would result in a lot more questions and possibly an appointment with HR or a section. When I feel like my weekends would be subject to co-workerly concern I normally just say that I went to the National Gallery – because let’s be honest that is not going to provoke ANY further questions from jaded office workers. But since I love to overshare, here are the things I was actually doing when I claimed to be at the National Gallery…
Trying to make friends with a cat that lives in Walthamstow.
I do not live in Walthamstow, but a cat named Sunshine does. Sunshine lives next to my friend Jaime and when I go over to visit, Jaime will hype me up on sugar and then I spend the entire time trying to convince Sunshine of my love. I have tried exposure therapy on Sunshine, where I sit closer and closer until my love is clear – she always turns her back to me when I am two meters away. I have tried composing love songs to Sunshine, but she always just remixes them and posts on her Facebook for people to laugh at. I have even tried getting testimonials from other cats I have loved (like Hollie in the photo above, she may be dumb but she appreciates a head scratch), but I don’t think she understands their Kiwi accents.
I used the phrase Wankpuffin in a post last week, and it got quite the reaction. I then spent the entire weekend giving friends and strangers history lessons on the phrase and the reasons behind its cultural importance (for those wondering it all started here). Somehow I don’t think I co-workers will react well to “oh I was lecturing on Wankpuffin”…
Playing Russian Roulette.
When I say Russian roulette…I mean my version of the game. Forget guns and empty bullets, that sort of thing is for losers. For the Runawaykiwi version you get bags of M&M’s, Skittles, Revels and Reeces Pieces and dump them all into a bowl. Then closing your eyes you help yourself and what you put in your mouth …is the surprise of the century – it might be peanut, it might be candy, it might be chocolate. Enough suspense and intrigue to keep me entertained for an entire weekend.
Recreating the Lion King on Snapchat.
For some reason people really don’t understand why you would spend your weekend singing the score of the Lion King into an app that only saves it for 24 hours. They really don’t understand that you HAVE TO do this because after half straightening your hair you have a damn impressive lions main that shouldn’t go to waste. NB: With this one it is important that when your co-workers hear your gravelly voice on Monday you say yes when they ask if you are getting a cold, whatever you do don’t tell them the real reason for your rough voice…that you were working on your roar.
With how often I use the National Gallery excuse it’s amazing that no-one has bought me a membership…