I resent that insecure paving stone

The insecure paving stones of London

You won’t understand this post unless you have lived in London. Sorry, but if you are thinking of moving over just bookmark this page and read it later. The insecure paving stones of London are almost a rite of passage, a karma kicker to keep you from flying too high. And to be quite honest they are a pain in the arse.

Imagine this: you are walking down the street and in that next footstep your world view shifts, where you thought you would find stability your foot has found an insecure paving stone. With an angular jerking fall you crumple by an inch as the paving stone tilts like a seesaw.

People walking behind you let out an exasperated sigh (this is London, no one would ever actually say anything) as if you almost arseing over was deliberate. Through your carelessness you made them add three seconds to their commute as they waited for you to right yourself. Of course (because karma) they then step on the very same insecure paving stone, causing a delay to the person behind them and like that the domino of commuter rage clicks through London.

That is if you are lucky. If you are unlucky you will come across your insecure paving stone friend right outside a busy pub from April to September. “Too much to drink love” the pub patrons will throw at you before their attention is grabbed by their friend John returning from the bar with the next round. You will look at their sad buttons doing their up-most to keep the sweat stained business shirt together across the large expanse of belly and thank your lucky stars you just have the paving stone to deal with.

The spring months bring an altogether different problem. It’s not just the short lived embarrassment of a trip to keep you awake at night, now you have to worry about tidal waves.

The spring rains bring a hidden, and most unwanted, facet to the insecure paving stone; the water that will splash halfway up your shin when you upend the stone. I wouldn’t put it past that grey brown water to be carrying a minimum of three ancient diseases, at the very least it stains your skinny jeans for the rest of the day. With a face of misery all you need to do is point to your sodden foot and other Londoners will nod their heads in sympathy and give you a hot chocolate.

No one quite knows the reason for these insecure paving stones. One theory is that they are reflective of the level of security within the current government; on the day the Panama Papers came out and Cameron was implicated it is said that every paving stone in London turned into an insecure seesaw. Of course there are others that whisper about the hidden mob contracts that are paving the city of London, using coffee grounds instead of mortar due to the inherent corruption. I couldn’t possibly comment, but I do notice the number of independent coffee shops has increased in the last couple of years…I’m sure it’s a coincidence.

How have the insecure paving stones of London impacted your life? Comment below and let me know.

3 Comments

  1. April 23, 2016 / 9:14 am

    The first thing I tell any newcomer to London: beware, the pavements are out to get you! All of the above have happened to me. Also, wearing a new pair of running shoes for the first time, an impressive faceplant. I haven’t walked or run on that side of the road since and I haven’t quite forgiven the shoes either.

  2. April 25, 2016 / 3:55 pm

    THIS. Oh my fucking god. The one wet foot because everything has to be paving stones for no fucking reason at all. Seriously, there are other ways to make paths, London. Sort it out.

  3. April 25, 2016 / 4:19 pm

    And the whole world thinks that the streets of London were paved with gold!