Your Runawaykiwi questions answered!

Ben Eine Letter Street Art London

Given how depressing the news is this week (thanks for double fisting politics this week UK and USA) I thought I would write a post that gives you a giggle and answer those burning Runawaykiwi questions that you apparently have.

Because of the stalking magic of Google I can see the search terms people used to find my blog. Often those search terms are actually questions and I want to be sure people who find my blog are getting the exact resources they need. Without further ado here are the genuine questions that people found my blog using…and my answers to them. Please note: any spelling errors in the questions are the questioners (I have just copied and pasted)…any spelling errors in the rest of the blog are totally mine and I can only apologise to my old English teacher. In my defence, my English teacher once announced to the entire class that she wanted to “take off her shoes and run through my hair” so I think we are even.

 

does kiwi go with gin and tonic

If you are talking about the fruit then no, it’s too acidic. If you are talking the bird then yes, the beak makes a great swizzle stick.

where male large butt plug for sell?

I’m no expert in this, but I know how hard it is when you move to a new city and don’t know what shops to go to for things; I experienced a similar problem when I tried to find a shoe rack. My advice is to ask your friends and family for any recommendations, and if they are no help then try asking on social media. If all else fails you are now living in the UK where the ‘make do and mend’ attitude is still going strong, check out the fruit and vegetable aisle in Tesco and see if there is a new potato in a suitable size.

青果市場 コヴェントガーデン

Google translate tells me this is either a hipster tattoo or a request for a fruit and vegetable market in Covent Garden. My advice is that the best market for the full tourist experience is Borough Market, where some of the original cockney vege sellers are still going strong.

why is working in london exhausting

I have a full post on this one so I won’t go into detail; essentially it’s because there is a lot of people, you are away from home and also because you stay up past your bedtime every night. Full post (and virtual internet hugs) can be found here.

first fuck londn?

Is this a question or a statement? If you are looking for your first London fuck then I would try Tinder and low standards.

what free things a kiwi must do in london

Checking out all the markets (Maltby, Broadway, Borough) are a must, even if you can’t buy anything the atmosphere is very cool. Museum row with the Science Museum, V&A and Natural History Museum is a great place to while away a rainy afternoon (although you may have to punch a few children out of the way). And my biggest thing to do in London for free is walking, this city is damn beautiful and you can see all the major tourist attractions in one go.

mouse jumping or mouse running

Preferably no mouse, but I think if I had to I would go mouse running because the thought of one jumping into my hair scares the bejesus out of me.

sean connery cock nice??.

Look it was one night and we were both quite drunk, besides a girl never kisses and tells.

where is the change your life picture in london

It’s a piece of the Berlin Wall and it lives outside the Imperial War Museum (which is well worth a visit, very cool).

im scared donut syringe?

Don’t be scared of a doughnut syringe, they are the fastest and most painless way of getting caramel sauce inside a doughnut.

is london underground poster the swiftest way to pleasure

I don’t know about you, but a London Underground poster really gets me going. I mean the London Transport museum is essentially a living 50 Shades of Grey. So yes, this Valentine’s day get your significant other a print of an Underground poster as it really is the swiftest way to pleasure.

how to survive runaway kiwi

Is this written by my ex-boyfriend? If so, just fill me with gin and give me a kitten.

can i eat ham thats brown around the edges

Give it the smell test, and then try feeding it to a friend and waiting for a few hours. If it smells ok and your friend is still alive then go for gold.

can you walk with but plug all day?

Again with the butt plugs, so many people must be disappointed to discover this slightly ranty expat blog when all they want is quality sex toy information. Literally the only time I have written about butt plugs they were made of chocolate, which I don’t think are practical for all day use.

2 Comments

  1. Fee
    June 18, 2016 / 6:28 pm

    This was absolutely hilarious!