50 things Boris Johnson could have done to prove his penis was bigger than David Cameron’s without fucking the economy.

Houses of Parliament before the Brexit

Hi Boris

I know you and DC have had a bit of a rivalry since Eton. You were Mayor of London, Dave got Prime Minister. You downed a magnum of Champagne at a Bullingdon party, Dave put his junk in a pig. I get it, we’ve all been there. Healthy competition between young rapscallions such as yourselves is a good thing, but there has to be a way to prove your dick is bigger than his without fucking over the economy?

To help you out, I’ve written my top fifty ideas on how you can feel like a big man below. Let me know which one you choose and for heaven’s sake stop with all this Brexit ‘campaigning but totally hoping I don’t win because I just want to show Cameron up and be the next Prime Minister’ malarkey.

Ok, here they are.

  1. Traditional sword fight
  2. Competitive tiddlywinks
  3. Rolled yourselves up in blankets really tight and see who can get out first without unrolling
  4. Play the numbers round on Pointless
  5. Play the letters round on Pointless
  6. Both go to the Olympics and see who catches the Zika virus last
  7. Go to Nandos and order Mild when Cameron orders Lemon and Herb
  8. Become the captain of the England rugby team
  9. Join the cast of Made in Chelsea and break Binky’s heart
  10. Go to a party and not fuck a farmyard animal
  11. Stand with your legs slightly further apart when you are both on stage
  12. Change Cameron’s ring tone to a squealing pig and then call him when he is meeting with the Queen
  13. Correct Cameron’s pronunciation of the word ‘quinoa’
  14. Buy Cameron a puppy and call it David so he looks like a demented egomaniac when he calls for the puppy in the park
  15. Drink all his gin
  16. Every time you commute together suggest taking Boris Bikes
  17. Use a VPN then text him Game of Thrones spoilers every Sunday
  18. Decline his Candy Crush invite
  19. Use Jeremy Corbyn to Rick roll him during PMQs
  20. Tell him you are proud that he has chosen to not listen to the body shamers
  21. Send him a framed photo of the time you cycled round the park with Arnold Schwarzenegger
  22. Literally measure dicks
  23. Have a competition to see who can talk for the longest without using actual words, just posh sounds
  24. Pour him a coke and tell him it’s diet but actually it’s full fat
  25. Steal his stapler then deny that the one on your desk is his
  26. Put a petting zoo in his office while he is at lunch and over order on piglets
  27. Run for Prime Minister in a fair fight
  28. Subtweet him
  29. Take a ‘How Posh are You’ quiz on Buzzfeed, get 100% and send him the results
  30. Flick a spider onto him
  31. Push him into a horse at the Polo
  32. Fisticuffs
  33. Tell him he looks tired
  34. Buy a bunch of peonies and give them to Cameron’s wife
  35. Lick his keyboard when he is not looking
  36. Always ask the politicians to line up alphabetically by first name
  37. Use parliamentary privilege to tell everyone what Cameron’s nickname at Eton was
  38. Tape a picture of Nick Cage to Cameron’s debit card
  39. Suggest going to the pub and make a lame joke about leaving the kids at home this time
  40. Invite him over for dinner but don’t give him the wifi password
  41. Use a picture of him to face swap with on Snapchat and then say something silly
  42. Suggest a foundation that is a shade too dark for his skin tone
  43. Tell him that real sports fans call it soccer
  44. Write and publish slash fiction that shows Cameron as the sub
  45. Eat the last doughnut
  46. Pull out his chair as he goes to sit down so that he falls on the ground and all of the other politicians laugh
  47. Tell him that after playing a round of golf with Obama, he lets you call him Barak
  48. Convince Cameron that going on The Voice would make him a man of the people
  49. Ghost him in the tea room
  50. Follow through with a political decision without making a U-turn

 

All the best,

Rebecca

3 Comments

  1. July 4, 2016 / 4:43 pm

    This may be my favorite thing you’ve written yet.

  2. July 5, 2016 / 10:59 am

    Hahaha #23 is my favourite! This is pure gold.