Fuck you clear blue on a lovey sea background
If you are a female in the UK between the ages of 25 and 35 you will know exactly what I am talking about. For anyone outside that demographic let me explain; the only advertising offered up to us on YouTube is for Clear Blue pregnancy tests. Literally the only advertising.

Want to watch a music video? First let’s talk about ovulation. Want to have a giggle at the latest Carpool Karaoke? First let’s watch this poorly dubbed woman get excited about being two weeks pregnant despite not having confirmed with a doctor. Want watch Jamie Oliver peel a mango? First sit back and watch babies gurgle through the drool for two minutes.

These ads would be less of an issue if they only appeared once every so often, an occasional slice of Clear Blue in a field of bright adverts. But since they appear to be the only advertiser that YouTube has for my age and sex it makes them entirely unbearable for pretty much everyone who is forced to watch.

If you are trying for a baby and not conceiving (or going through a miscarriage) it must be heart-breaking to have this shoved in your face when all you wanted was the light relief of a cat playing the piano. For anyone who is already pregnant the ads are buying a fish a bicycle levels of redundant. Any watchers that are slightly regretting that night a few weeks ago with the guy from Tinder; they are more likely to make an embarrassed Boots snatch and grab rather than a well-researched decision. And for anyone actively trying to get pregnant, I don’t think seeing the YouTube ad before the video of Justin Beiber in a fist fight is going to really influence their decision.

And for me, representing the remainder of the female population who can barely remember to keep tonic in the fridge let alone plan on looking after another human being, the ads are just poorly dubbed, repetitive pieces of shit that make it seem like having a baby is the only goal in life.

If you are sitting their thinking I’m overreacting a little, count up all the times you watch YouTube clips in a week. Now imaging someone yelling “OMG DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN PEE ON A STICK AND ITS VAGUELY ACCURATE” before each one. I probably see it more than twenty times a week. And it is enough to make me close the window every time. And close the window is not a euphemism.

And for the cynical wankpuffins’ that are curling their top lips thinking ‘this little girl doesn’t know that the adverts are based on search history’ … Go up to any female aged 25-35 in the UK and say the words ‘Clear Blue + YouTube’. They will respond with a flash of rage in their eyes so intense you could roast marshmallows.

Fuck you YouTube and fuck you Clear Blue. Find me some different advertising before I want to get sterilised just to make the advertising stop.

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I know I am a bit behind the times on this one, but I like it so much that I just had to mention the Mulberry AW 2012 campaign. It features a Where the Wild Things Are type scene, with a model decked out in fur playing hide and seek with some big, and furry wild things.

There are three things that I like about it. Firstly – its does not take itself too seriously. I am sick to death of moody skeletons with panda eyes draped across furniture equalling fashion advertising. This Mulberry campaign is flirty, fun and although visually beautiful is just a little bit silly.

Secondly is the clever psychology at play. This campaign instantly makes us think of happy childhood times, which means that we then come to feel this emotion and sense of longing about Mulberry itself. It also makes a mental time link – Where the Wild Things Are has been loved by you for 20+ years, which means you will love that Mulberry coat/bag for just as long.

But by far my favourite thing about this campaign is the story it tells. If you look at a few of the images in the series, it’s hard to tell if the model is playing, terrified, leading the charge or just a little confused. Which (if I remember correctly) is essentially what Max went through in the story.

Good work Mulberry.

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Louis Vuitton is back and the girls are still on the train. But this time there is a distinct 60’s/70’s vibe. It’s smokey, the girls have purpose and the colours are a bit of a mustard invasion. And they are still wearing hats that are all kind of stupid.

I do love that Louis Vuitton has continued the train theme. Partly because I LOVE TRAINS. But also because in looking at the two adverts you get a lovely timeless feeling about train travel. There have been no major changes in train travel over the last few decades (Oyster card excluded), and these adverts show that perfectly. Travellers are locked in their own private worlds, focussing on the day ahead, and (in the world of Louis Vuitton at least) looking fabulous while doing so.

What I would love to see, is the next season of Louis Vuitton adverts in the present day – or at least using clothes with a harsh edge to mimic modern fashion. It would be a complete circle of train love.