Annoyed Cat

There are few certainties in life. One of the only ones I have found, is that in a UK office the very first Monday morning interaction with your co-worker will be a comment about how hot/cold/grey/wet the weather is, followed shortly by “how was your weekend”. Normally this polite inquiry can be answered with a highlights reel; I went to this place, saw this thing, ate this food. All is above board and you both walk away from the conversation with no lingering awkwardness ready to start your working week.

It doesn’t however always go according to plan. Sometimes you have spent your weekend in….well….unreportable circumstances that if shared would result in a lot more questions and possibly an appointment with HR or a section. When I feel like my weekends would be subject to co-workerly concern I normally just say that I went to the National Gallery – because let’s be honest that is not going to provoke ANY further questions from jaded office workers. But since I love to overshare, here are the things I was actually doing when I claimed to be at the National Gallery…

Trying to make friends with a cat that lives in Walthamstow.

I do not live in Walthamstow, but a cat named Sunshine does. Sunshine lives next to my friend Jaime and when I go over to visit, Jaime will hype me up on sugar and then I spend the entire time trying to convince Sunshine of my love. I have tried exposure therapy on Sunshine, where I sit closer and closer until my love is clear – she always turns her back to me when I am two meters away. I have tried composing love songs to Sunshine, but she always just remixes them and posts on her Facebook for people to laugh at. I have even tried getting testimonials from other cats I have loved (like Hollie in the photo above, she may be dumb but she appreciates a head scratch), but I don’t think she understands their Kiwi accents.

Wankpuffin Education.

I used the phrase Wankpuffin in a post last week, and it got quite the reaction. I then spent the entire weekend giving friends and strangers history lessons on the phrase and the reasons behind its cultural importance (for those wondering it all started here). Somehow I don’t think I co-workers will react well to “oh I was lecturing on Wankpuffin”…

Global Weirding Sign

Playing Russian Roulette.

When I say Russian roulette…I mean my version of the game. Forget guns and empty bullets, that sort of thing is for losers. For the Runawaykiwi version you get bags of M&M’s, Skittles, Revels and Reeces Pieces and dump them all into a bowl. Then closing your eyes you help yourself and what you put in your mouth …is the surprise of the century – it might be peanut, it might be candy, it might be chocolate. Enough suspense and intrigue to keep me entertained for an entire weekend.

Recreating the Lion King on Snapchat.

For some reason people really don’t understand why you would spend your weekend singing the score of the Lion King into an app that only saves it for 24 hours. They really don’t understand that you HAVE TO do this because after half straightening your hair you have a damn impressive lions main that shouldn’t go to waste. NB: With this one it is important that when your co-workers hear your gravelly voice on Monday you say yes when they ask if you are getting a cold, whatever you do don’t tell them the real reason for your rough voice…that you were working on your roar.

Actually, now that I think I have one hell of a lot of dirty London secrets…. Three brunches in three hours? Dinner inside the museum of oil and steam? Whatever the hell this was?

With how often I use the National Gallery excuse it’s amazing that no-one has bought me a membership…

The weekends I’ve been too embarrassed to tell my co-workers about

1. Having our traditional Christmas morning breakfast before attempting the 15 courses may not have been the smartest thing we have ever done. Although when offered home made panettone with roasted nectarines, mascarpone and a side of champagne you can’t really say no.

Runawaykiwi home made panettone with roasted nectarines, mascarpone and a side of champagne

 

2. Getting drunk-spired (drunk + inspired = drunk-spired) on Christmas Eve is ideal because it results in 3D hexagonal menus that double as flower holders. And I got a gold star for managing to use a craft knife when drunk and still having 10 fingers to open presents on Christmas morning.

Runawaykiwi 3D menu

3. When you get totes emosh on Christmas morning because its the first family Christmas with all the kids at home in three years and spill your aforementioned champagne over a cat your family will give you a hug and top up your glass.

 

4. Table styling is all important. If you don’t know what you are doing just keep putting things on until you see the Pinterest logo appear in the top right hand corner.

Runawaykiwi table setting

5. Apparently I live in a family where if you wish out loud that you had mini-blackboards as place mats, your father will appear round the corner holding some and asking ‘will these do’. Oh and having a graphic designer in the family makes for some AMAZING lettering. Double oh, you are apparently from a family with ready access to mini-tankards, ER and pirate glasses and of course crystal shot glasses.

Runawaykiwi ham and new potato

6. Your father will never quite forgive you for pretending to give him an iPad and then actually giving him a Bazinga t-shirt… sorry Dad.

7. When you plan to have all four members of the family in the kitchen cooking this will actually turn out to be two members of the family in the kitchen cooking, one taking selfies and the last using a power saw.

8. After course 4 you will start singing power ballads. And after course 10 you will need a nap. Don’t fight it.

Runawaykiwi Christmas Sister Singalong

9. Your family will catch the blogging bug and every course will start with a mini photo shoot.

10. Runawaykiwi will get grumpy when no-one wakes up from their naps on time.

11. You will have forgotten about three things (in our case cooking the sweet potato, putting avocado on the Pirate salad and to take the sorbet out of the freezer) THIS IS OK. Your guests will be already overwhelmed with champagne, food and selfies and will not notice.

12. Cats and fine dining do not mix.

DSC04722

13. It is harder to keep your bright red lipstick perfect during the meal then it is to cook the 15 courses in the first place.

14. 15 courses is too many. Trust me when I say to stop at 14.

15. There is nothing in the world that could be a better Christmas than hanging out with my family, cooking and laughing the day away.

xx

Brick Lane Zoo

 

I honestly can’t believe that a place like Brick Lane Zoo is still allowed to operate. It’s in the middle of the East End – just off the busy, noisy and dirty Brick Lane. The cage is cramped and is a far cry from the modern (read: spacious, and as close to the animals natural environment as possible) zoos that I expect in London.

I mean, the tiger itself (apparently named April) looks happy enough and is certainly well fed, but it still just doesn’t seem right.

Not to mention that there is no real safety barrier between the public and the animals, you can just reach in and pet it if you so desired.

When is the London Council or RSPCA going to step in and close this ‘zoo’ down?

P.s. LOL