parrot-on-the-tube

The miraculous thing about the London Underground is that you are never the weirdest person. You can be in any state of walk of shame and there will always be that person a few seats away who after a quick mental comparison makes you feel like Anna Wintour. I have had so many weird tube experiences over the years that I thought it was about time for a post of its own. Please PLEASE comment below or tweet me with your unexpected tube moments, I could do with a laugh.

  • Old man with a full sized green parrot on his shoulder
  • An argument ending in one half of the couple getting off at Temple demanding a divorce
  • Awesome girl who was able to do even winged eyeliner AND fake lashes on the District Line
  • Santa kissing Captain America
  • Banker in a suit eating a full English on the Jubilee Line
  • A man stood at the end of the carriage casually wet himself while reading the adverts
  • Little girl handing out flowers on the Central Line
  • Hen party dressed as Harry Potter characters
  • A teenage boy trying to be cool and dropping his phone down the gap
  • Pidgeon getting on at Liverpool Street and off at Kings Cross

London Bridge Expat Problems

I have written before about some of the unique challenges of London, perhaps most importantly how I want to stab people every time they say ‘tired of London, tired of life’. Well good old fuckety fuck now with no added sugar, I’m bored of London. We had summer for a week, and now the weather is so unpredictable that my hair is being used as a weather broadcaster by the BBC. Seriously it’s no laughing matter, my hair got so big today that it filled my office and suffocated three people.

So when your hair is big, it’s raining outside, you are broke and life is as boring as that three hour Russian movie filmed in a continuous shot with no talking there is only one thing to do… Make life less boring.

Go to an art gallery and stare intently at a fire extinguisher, then when someone comes and stands next to you say “this art really speaks to me on an emotional level”. Or if you are more into street art find an unattended bus shelter and stand there wearing a suit. Then when the public approaches shoo them away and say they must keep at least one meter away from the art.

Wait that bus thing is outside, not good for the hair issues.

Oh ok how about this. Choose some friends who have been really annoying you lately (we all have them shutupyourjudgingfaceyousilly) and then spend a day (INSIDE) on the internet finding their old MySpace profiles. Then slowly over a matter of weeks release one embarrassing teenage screenshot of a MySpace post to them at a time, don’t stop until they meet your demands. Oh shit I should have said that when you are choosing your friend you need to pick demands from them. Using these tactics I currently have JT doing my laundry, Emma brings me gin on demand and Kelly takes me with her whenever she goes on holiday. Thanks MySpace.
Inconvenience Bingo
For this next boredom buster you need some friends and an Oyster card; it’s time to play inconvenience bingo! Split into two teams and decide on a destination (preferably a pub on the other side of the river because booze=yay). You then have to get there while ticking off as many squares on the card as possible. The team with the most squares wins.

Going up an escalator
And while we are on London public transport based team sports, ‘Don’t Bank On It’ is a firm favourite with all the kids. Each competitor starts at a different Bank Station entrance, then the challenge is on to take a selfie on the platform of each line that goes through the station. First person with all the pictures and back above ground wins.

Or the ultimate London boredom buster: dog on the tube.

 

This post is part of the Groupon #MakeLifeLessBoring campaign

groupon-life-less

Buzzoole

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This was the first full week back and work and by god was I an angry commuter. So my ducks, here is a list of donts when using the London underground at rush hour.

1) Don’t read your kindle while walking between tube lines at a station, you can wait till you are standing still

2) Don’t let your toddler make their own way up the stairs while exclaiming what a big boy/girl they are – you are taking up the entire staircase

3) Don’t stand on the left

4) Don’t start pushing to get off the tube before the doors are open – the people you are pushing past will probably be getting off too

5)  Don’t make a pregnant lady/old person stand while you pretend to ignore them

6) Don’t stand on a crowded commuter train with your handbag wide open – I have scruples so I won’t take your wallet and iPhone but just don’t be that stupid

7) Don’t be a Beatle 

8) Don’t wait till you are at the barrier before trying to find your Oyster card

9) Don’t play your music loud enough for the entire carriage to hear it – your tough guy demeanor is really ruined when we all know you are listening to Destiny’s Child

10) Don’t jump in when the doors have already started closing – they will smoosh you and it will make the rest of us late

Now, after that list of hatred is my one glimmering bit of hope, the appearance of an underground ninja on the district line.

A man in a pinstriped suit, holding a briefcase and reading the paper, stands in the middle of the carriage and holds onto nothing. Throughout my entire journey he does not falter once, he does not bend and he does not jump. He simply stands in the jerking, leaping train and maintains his balance.  Legend.