Pisa tour group

No you went to America and left all your pre-written blogs on your laptop in London. Ugh. I am sitting in my hotel room trying to get sticky rice out of my hair, nursing a stubbed toe and wearing a Sephora sheet mask. I know, it’s a wonder I’m still single. Anyway since its late here and all my well thought out (who am I kidding, my blog could never be accused of being well thought out) posts are in the old country, I thought I would quickly share my Pisa rant with you.

Our original plan with the trip to Italy was to get a villa in the middle of Tuscany, rent a car and do a whole bunch of day trips to Florence, Sienna and Pisa. We then thought a little harder and realised that this plan meant someone would have to stay sober to drive – and we were not down with that, not when we were in the home of the Italian vineyard. Instead we settled on a week in Florence and a half day trip to Pisa. Sienna can go do one.

There are a couple of options when day tripping from Florence to Pisa. We decided against the train (slightly quicker and cheaper option) because it would have involved a 20 minute walk in 40°C; there is not enough gelato in the world to rehydrate me from that. Which left us with one option – the ever popular group tour.

Pisa tour group pose

I possibly could have predicted how the tour was going to go when I sat on the bus and was instantly surrounded by a high volume group discussing AFL. But the bus had already started moving so unless I could teach my parents to commando roll out of a moving vehicle we were stuck with it.

Once we arrived at Pisa the grouped walked like they had just aged 100 years. Moving at a painfully slow shuffle, by the time we got 30 people within site of the tower itself I was ropable. We were meant to be going to tour the church next door first, and with violence in my eyes we, ah… decided not to. Instead we made the awesome life choice of going to find a cafe within sight of the leaning thing and downed iced coffee after iced coffee.

Pisa tour group pose

Now for the rant. Oh my sweet baseball cap wearing mother of Jesus; what is up with everyone taking perspective photos as if they are holding the tower up? I could get it if it was just a one or two, I love a novelty photo as much as the next man, but this was literally every single photo being taken. Twatwombles, each and every one of them. To make it worse in the background of every single one of their photos is 20 other people doing the exact same thing. At least be vaguely original by lying down and pretending the Leaning Tower is your penis.

Anyway, it was totally worth doing the tour (even with all the internal rage) because it was the easiest way to get to see the Leaning Tower without thinking. I honestly never imagined I would get to Pisa, in my head it was always a far off destinations that only the lucky got to visit. Pisa was one of those world wonders that you learn about in primary school and could very well be imaginary – I mean who on earth lets a tower lean that much without rebuilding? Oh Pisa, the link from the past coming up hard against digital photography.

Rant count down in 5. 4. 3 ….

Then came the blog

1. Twenty something

Yes you are somewhere in your twenties and don’t want to give your exact age because of the internet being stalker city, but be creative here. How about infant-adult, selfie generation, or ‘I can’t afford a house because of you fucking baby boomers’ age.

2. Lucky enough to

Screw this. As a blogger you are a commodity, you write (mostly for free because you want to) take pictures and sell your blog on social. So why the hell are you ‘lucky’ to be invited to an event or given a sample of something? If you weren’t a blogger and had no presence on the internet I would say you are lucky, but since you are its all your damn hard work and dedication that got you there.

3. SEO

This is just a conspiracy made up by bloggers who have been on the internet since MySpace was popular. When your blog is big enough they will show you the secret handshake and oh how you will laugh at the silly newbie bloggers attending SEO workshops as you drink gin based cocktail in a rooftop bar.

4. It will be great ‘exposure’ for you blog

Yeah this is the internet equivalent to a skeezy old man telling a 15 year old that she has what it takes to be a model. If the brand wants to pay you, fine. If you get some awesome product or experience out of it, fine. But exposure? Bullshit, you are just a component of a marketing campaign that is not costing them anything but that is costing you time and energy for a brand you don’t even like.

5. Wifi

A mythical kingdom that you will sometimes be given an overcomplicated password to. The password only works half the time, and when it does the signal is so bad you can’t send a tweet. But hey, thank god bloggers don’t really need a good internet connection to do what we do.

6. ‘All opinions are my own’

Sorry team, if you get something for free it influences your opinion. Weather it is wanting to work with the PR again, the fact they were extra nice because they knew you were a blogger, or just that if it’s free pretty much anything seems awesome. Good that you are disclosing (a curse on all the houses of bloggers who don’t) but don’t for a second think that you are un-biased.

7. Amazing/Brilliant/Stunning/Lovely/So Yummy

Oh hot damn I’ve shot myself in the foot with this one. But what other adjectives are out there? And to be fair that stunningly amazing coffee was just brilliantly lovely and so so yummy. DON’T JUDGE ME.

8. Blurred photos

Ok so this one is not really a phrase but who in the hell puts a blurred photo up on their blog? Your blog is your portfolio regardless of what you do in the real world. I once overheard a fashion blogger say ‘always dress as if you might bump in to Ryan Gosling at any moment’; same goes for your blog photos, only post the ones you want Ryan to have a gander at. Or something like that, I might have missed the point.

9. Follow me on Bloglovin

Can we all just accept the fact that it is mostly bloggers and the parents of bloggers that use Bloglovin? If I love your blog and find myself googling you daily like the true stalker that I am then I will follow you. The only result a begging tweet has is to make my finger work a little harder as I scroll past it.

10. ‘Top Secret’ or ‘Hidden’

If that gem of a place you just discovered is on the front page on Google then sorry but it’s not Top Secret or hidden…you are just oblivious.

11. Sorry

Oh you know I love a bad blogger, I live for bad bloggers, tweet me tales of your bad blogging and I will buy you a drink.

12. Haul

Awesome so you either spent a lot of money or sweet talked a PR, back in the day showing off like that would have been seen as bad taste. But please if you are going to do a haul please don’t lie about how good the products are, and by all that is holy please take a composed and pretty picture of the sodding thing.

13. Lifestyle

What the ten bells of hell does lifestyle even mean? “The way in which a person lives” yes I know that, but for a fashion blogger they live and breathe fashion so why the hell are they not a lifestyle blogger? I straddle way too many blog cliques to make anyone comfortable, so I will just continue to eat my lunch in the bathroom.

14. ‘Provided for review purposes’

Totally fine occasionally, seriously bad if on every post. How the kittens is the reader going to actually trust what you say if we don’t know what you choose to spend you’re hard earned cash on? At the very least imagine that you went to a shop and purchased it and add the justification of spending a weeks’ worth of lunches on a crappy neon lipstick.

15. Finding your niche

I got told by a PR the other week that my blog was not niche enough. I write about me…that’s one a one in six billion topic. How is that not fucking niche enough? Write what you want to write and if you fall into a niche then raise the flag and have a shot of tequila, bully for you.

16. ‘How to start a blog’ posts

Just start writing stuff on the internet and you are in the club. Show me a blogger that didn’t make some really valuable mistakes along the way and I will show you a liar.

17. ‘I’ve been nominated for…’

Can we all just be honest here and blog awards fall into three categories: publicity campaigns, chain letters and genuine awards. The publicity campaigns are the ones where a company ah la Low Cost Holidays have cottoned on to a brilliant way to get bloggers to tweet their name for very little cost. The chain letters are where bloggers nominate others and you answer questions, nice in theory (I love a good chit chat) but can we please not call them awards? And lastly we get the actual awards like the Cosmopolitan Blog awards, which to be honest after all the bad language in this post I think I have disqualified myself forever. Can someone pass the gin?

 

I wasn’t joking about the gin.