Fuck you clear blue on a lovey sea background
If you are a female in the UK between the ages of 25 and 35 you will know exactly what I am talking about. For anyone outside that demographic let me explain; the only advertising offered up to us on YouTube is for Clear Blue pregnancy tests. Literally the only advertising.

Want to watch a music video? First let’s talk about ovulation. Want to have a giggle at the latest Carpool Karaoke? First let’s watch this poorly dubbed woman get excited about being two weeks pregnant despite not having confirmed with a doctor. Want watch Jamie Oliver peel a mango? First sit back and watch babies gurgle through the drool for two minutes.

These ads would be less of an issue if they only appeared once every so often, an occasional slice of Clear Blue in a field of bright adverts. But since they appear to be the only advertiser that YouTube has for my age and sex it makes them entirely unbearable for pretty much everyone who is forced to watch.

If you are trying for a baby and not conceiving (or going through a miscarriage) it must be heart-breaking to have this shoved in your face when all you wanted was the light relief of a cat playing the piano. For anyone who is already pregnant the ads are buying a fish a bicycle levels of redundant. Any watchers that are slightly regretting that night a few weeks ago with the guy from Tinder; they are more likely to make an embarrassed Boots snatch and grab rather than a well-researched decision. And for anyone actively trying to get pregnant, I don’t think seeing the YouTube ad before the video of Justin Beiber in a fist fight is going to really influence their decision.

And for me, representing the remainder of the female population who can barely remember to keep tonic in the fridge let alone plan on looking after another human being, the ads are just poorly dubbed, repetitive pieces of shit that make it seem like having a baby is the only goal in life.

If you are sitting their thinking I’m overreacting a little, count up all the times you watch YouTube clips in a week. Now imaging someone yelling “OMG DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN PEE ON A STICK AND ITS VAGUELY ACCURATE” before each one. I probably see it more than twenty times a week. And it is enough to make me close the window every time. And close the window is not a euphemism.

And for the cynical wankpuffins’ that are curling their top lips thinking ‘this little girl doesn’t know that the adverts are based on search history’ … Go up to any female aged 25-35 in the UK and say the words ‘Clear Blue + YouTube’. They will respond with a flash of rage in their eyes so intense you could roast marshmallows.

Fuck you YouTube and fuck you Clear Blue. Find me some different advertising before I want to get sterilised just to make the advertising stop.

Runawaykiwi is now on Youtube

For a few years now I have been getting drunk and giving people advice. Not in a creepy way, just in a ‘out to drinks with friends, ordering doubles when I should be ordering singles and accidentally convincing people to quit their jobs’ sort of way. Seriously in one week and three gin based nights out I convinced three friends to quit their jobs – that is 100% success rate if you are counting. There isn’t much difference between my drunk advice and my sober advice, except slightly more ramble, the swear words are more inventive and I occasionally break into song. Based on this level of entertainment (or maybe they just feared for their jobs) my friends convinced me to start a YouTube channel.

For better or worse I have taken the plunge and you now get a delightfully drunken video of me every Thursday. That’s right, every week there will be a new, short (under five minutes), entirely unedited video of me giving life advice in my flat while drunk: Introducing ‘What the fuck am I doing with my life’.

To stay up to date you can either subscribe on YouTube or keep an eye out on my Facebook page where hopefully I will remember to post a link each week. And if you want a preview just find me in a pub and give me gin…simple.

To see what it is all about, check out my first video below.

Xx

 

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZQ4VmicDeM?feature=player_detailpage&w=640&h=360]

Have you ever heard a friend raving about a gallery visit, only to find that the exhibition closed yesterday? Turns out, thanks to technology that is no longer a problem.

When a colleague was talking about The Curve by Céleste Boursier-Mougenot, it really caught my interest. What’s not to love about birds in an aviary, spontaneously landing on electric guitars, playing their own special tune. But I missed it by over a year.

Then along came Youtube to make my day. The entire chirping experience was recorded and placed on the internet for all to see. Now, this post is not to harp on about the meaning of The Curve, or to talk about my feelings towards it. This is just to revel in the fact that technology is now giving performance art longevity and a global audience.

So my friends, watch Céleste Boursier-Mougenot’s work, years after it was produced. And let a bird rocking out on a guitar make your life better.