This was the first full week back and work and by god was I an angry commuter. So my ducks, here is a list of donts when using the London underground at rush hour.
1) Don’t read your kindle while walking between tube lines at a station, you can wait till you are standing still
2) Don’t let your toddler make their own way up the stairs while exclaiming what a big boy/girl they are – you are taking up the entire staircase
3) Don’t stand on the left
4) Don’t start pushing to get off the tube before the doors are open – the people you are pushing past will probably be getting off too
5) Don’t make a pregnant lady/old person stand while you pretend to ignore them
6) Don’t stand on a crowded commuter train with your handbag wide open – I have scruples so I won’t take your wallet and iPhone but just don’t be that stupid
7) Don’t be a Beatle
8) Don’t wait till you are at the barrier before trying to find your Oyster card
9) Don’t play your music loud enough for the entire carriage to hear it – your tough guy demeanor is really ruined when we all know you are listening to Destiny’s Child
10) Don’t jump in when the doors have already started closing – they will smoosh you and it will make the rest of us late
Now, after that list of hatred is my one glimmering bit of hope, the appearance of an underground ninja on the district line.
A man in a pinstriped suit, holding a briefcase and reading the paper, stands in the middle of the carriage and holds onto nothing. Throughout my entire journey he does not falter once, he does not bend and he does not jump. He simply stands in the jerking, leaping train and maintains his balance. Legend.