Rant count down in 5. 4. 3 ….
1. Twenty something
Yes you are somewhere in your twenties and don’t want to give your exact age because of the internet being stalker city, but be creative here. How about infant-adult, selfie generation, or ‘I can’t afford a house because of you fucking baby boomers’ age.
2. Lucky enough to
Screw this. As a blogger you are a commodity, you write (mostly for free because you want to) take pictures and sell your blog on social. So why the hell are you ‘lucky’ to be invited to an event or given a sample of something? If you weren’t a blogger and had no presence on the internet I would say you are lucky, but since you are its all your damn hard work and dedication that got you there.
This is just a conspiracy made up by bloggers who have been on the internet since MySpace was popular. When your blog is big enough they will show you the secret handshake and oh how you will laugh at the silly newbie bloggers attending SEO workshops as you drink gin based cocktail in a rooftop bar.
4. It will be great ‘exposure’ for you blog
Yeah this is the internet equivalent to a skeezy old man telling a 15 year old that she has what it takes to be a model. If the brand wants to pay you, fine. If you get some awesome product or experience out of it, fine. But exposure? Bullshit, you are just a component of a marketing campaign that is not costing them anything but that is costing you time and energy for a brand you don’t even like.
A mythical kingdom that you will sometimes be given an overcomplicated password to. The password only works half the time, and when it does the signal is so bad you can’t send a tweet. But hey, thank god bloggers don’t really need a good internet connection to do what we do.
6. ‘All opinions are my own’
Sorry team, if you get something for free it influences your opinion. Weather it is wanting to work with the PR again, the fact they were extra nice because they knew you were a blogger, or just that if it’s free pretty much anything seems awesome. Good that you are disclosing (a curse on all the houses of bloggers who don’t) but don’t for a second think that you are un-biased.
7. Amazing/Brilliant/Stunning/Lovely/So Yummy
Oh hot damn I’ve shot myself in the foot with this one. But what other adjectives are out there? And to be fair that stunningly amazing coffee was just brilliantly lovely and so so yummy. DON’T JUDGE ME.
8. Blurred photos
Ok so this one is not really a phrase but who in the hell puts a blurred photo up on their blog? Your blog is your portfolio regardless of what you do in the real world. I once overheard a fashion blogger say ‘always dress as if you might bump in to Ryan Gosling at any moment’; same goes for your blog photos, only post the ones you want Ryan to have a gander at. Or something like that, I might have missed the point.
9. Follow me on Bloglovin
Can we all just accept the fact that it is mostly bloggers and the parents of bloggers that use Bloglovin? If I love your blog and find myself googling you daily like the true stalker that I am then I will follow you. The only result a begging tweet has is to make my finger work a little harder as I scroll past it.
10. ‘Top Secret’ or ‘Hidden’
If that gem of a place you just discovered is on the front page on Google then sorry but it’s not Top Secret or hidden…you are just oblivious.
Awesome so you either spent a lot of money or sweet talked a PR, back in the day showing off like that would have been seen as bad taste. But please if you are going to do a haul please don’t lie about how good the products are, and by all that is holy please take a composed and pretty picture of the sodding thing.
What the ten bells of hell does lifestyle even mean? “The way in which a person lives” yes I know that, but for a fashion blogger they live and breathe fashion so why the hell are they not a lifestyle blogger? I straddle way too many blog cliques to make anyone comfortable, so I will just continue to eat my lunch in the bathroom.
14. ‘Provided for review purposes’
Totally fine occasionally, seriously bad if on every post. How the kittens is the reader going to actually trust what you say if we don’t know what you choose to spend you’re hard earned cash on? At the very least imagine that you went to a shop and purchased it and add the justification of spending a weeks’ worth of lunches on a crappy neon lipstick.
15. Finding your niche
I got told by a PR the other week that my blog was not niche enough. I write about me…that’s one a one in six billion topic. How is that not fucking niche enough? Write what you want to write and if you fall into a niche then raise the flag and have a shot of tequila, bully for you.
16. ‘How to start a blog’ posts
Just start writing stuff on the internet and you are in the club. Show me a blogger that didn’t make some really valuable mistakes along the way and I will show you a liar.
17. ‘I’ve been nominated for…’
Can we all just be honest here and blog awards fall into three categories: publicity campaigns, chain letters and genuine awards. The publicity campaigns are the ones where a company ah la Low Cost Holidays have cottoned on to a brilliant way to get bloggers to tweet their name for very little cost. The chain letters are where bloggers nominate others and you answer questions, nice in theory (I love a good chit chat) but can we please not call them awards? And lastly we get the actual awards like the Cosmopolitan Blog awards, which to be honest after all the bad language in this post I think I have disqualified myself forever. Can someone pass the gin?
I wasn’t joking about the gin.