In my recent flat white post I said I was waiting for it to become legal for me to marry coffee. I got a bit of flak for this from friends who said ‘you can’t marry coffee but don’t worry you will find love soon, you just need to try harder’. Well I will have you know I am trying EXTREMELY hard to find a husband and failing with boundless energy every time.
What have I been doing I hear you ask? Well for starters I am on all the dating apps. And by all I of course mean that I have Tinder. By ‘have Tinder’ I mean that its on the fourth page of apps on my phone and I only use it when drunk with friends who need a laugh, or when watching Game of Thrones (Jon Snow #swoon). I am pretty much the master of Tinder and swipe right for any guy that has a cat in their picture (not a tiger, those tiger pics are whack) or who looks like Doctor Who (9th and 10th Doctors only). Of course when I match with these pussy loving sci-fi lookalikes I don’t talk to them, because you know…who has time for that level of intimacy?
There is also the more IRL tactic of going out to bars. Cliché I know, but some of my most memorable ‘not a date just here trying to avoid talking to anyone why has the gin not arrived yet’ times have been in bars. Its key to have your phone out at all times endlessly scrolling through the magic triptych of Instagram/Twitter/Facebook, just to ensure that no eligible bachelors actually think spontaneously talking to you is a good idea.
Since we are in the social media age it would be remiss of me to write a post about finding love in London without talking about online stalking. After you have fallen for a tiny pixelated profile picture on Twitter and chortled at their witty 140 charter repose it might be time to actively proclaim your love and favourite one of their tweets. Just be sure to choose carefully and not favourite a tweet about their childhood dog dying or something…not that any of us would do that right? Right? RIGHT????? Now that you have essentially said you love them by favouriting their non-dying childhood pet tweet it’s time to play the waiting game – after all its surely only time until they propose? Too soon to buy the wedding dress? Just be careful not to re-tweet them as well, don’t want to appear too forward now.
No post about finding love in London would be complete without mentioning the place where Londoners spend 82% of their time, the London Underground. Its a prime dating location because you get a heads-up on all their bad habits before actually speaking to them. Essentially the tube ages all 20 somethings by 40 years, so you get to see the snoring, nail clipping, Sun reading beast that the suited peice of beard sitting opposite you will turn into. Just be careful of the power of underground love, I once nodded to a guy on the central line and I’m now pregnant with his triplets.
Singles nights are ever popular amongst the un-partnered population of London, and for some inexplicable reason most seem to centred around playing ping pong. I mean, I know of many sporting activities that could be described as aphrodisiacs but ping pong is not one of them (anyone who is currently thinking of Thailand please open an incognito tab and take your dirty mind somewhere else). To ensure mating success while playing painfully forced games of ping pong just remember that guys prefer a girl who can beat them in three clean sets, anything else is just foreplay. And of course standard London dating rules apply, if a guy actually tries to be nice to you treat as highly suspicious, keep an eye on your handbag and sidle away as fast as possible.
Keep all of that in mind and you will soon be blissfully in love…are those wedding bells I hear? Oh, just someone wanting to get off the bus…