There are just oh so many things to love about long haul flights, and as a kiwi who seems to go home more than ET I should know. I will have clocked up three trips to New Zealand this year (one planned in advance, one vague mental breakdown and a wedding) so I can speak with authority when I give to you the best things about flying long haul:
Lightening storms oh yes Mr Pilot please tell me more about how we are currently flying between two lightening storms over the Atlantic. As much as I appreciate the apology about how the hot drink service will be delayed for a bit, I would prefer a quick physics lesson on how we can be struck with one billions volts and still be flying at 37,000ft in a tin can that has been flying since 2009. Seriously, back in 2009 Kim Kardashian was guest hosting WrestleMania THINGS CHANGE PEOPLE.
Immaculate conception Want to see what its like to be pregnant without the unfortunate consequence of having children? Just take two back to back long haul flights while eating nothing but carbs and sugar, you to can go from rock hard abs to 6 months pregnant in mere hours. If that air filled fun bag wasn’t uncomfortable enough lets add the aforementioned lightening storm and strap it down under an industrial seat belt. Just call me Runawaykiwi middle name Glamour.
Patchy survival logic Pretty much the worst time to wonder why they give you life jackets instead of parachutes is just after the seat belt sign turns off but before the flight attendant can bring you a double vodka. OK yes I hear you say, 71% of the world is made of water and once you have gently glided into the becalmed ocean, slid down the fun looking slide and gotten a little tired of paddling the life jacket will be your new best friend. A) I have belly flopped off a high board before and that shit is as hard as concrete B) most flight paths go over a significant amount of land on the way so give me a fucking parachute.
Bond villains All my flying life I was happy in the knowledge that bad guys can’t/wont shoot planes out of the sky. As I flew over Russia, Iran, Iraq, America I would wave calmly and wish them well in their global endeavors. Well the 2014 Ukraine crash dashed those dreams, and now I have to worry about a bad plot line in a undersea volcano as I try to enjoy the latest Hollywood blockbuster on a screen four inches from my face.
50 Shades of Grey WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IN-FLIGHT MOVIE??? There is nothing, I repeat nothing more awkward than reaching over your seatmate to give the flight attendant your tray and realising the 50 year old Vice Principal from Milwaukee is in the middle of Mr Grey’s Red Room…and his wife is two seconds behind him.