Step 1: If at all possible win a competition in which the prize is the hottest afternoon tea in town; the Scents of Summer afternoon tea at the Intercontinental Park Lane.
Step 2: Call to confirm your booking and have the man on the phone promise you free prosecco because you booked online. Promptly forget about this offer of prosecco and never ever ask for it #myliverthanksme
Step 3: Change your outfit at least five times before leaving home because a) you are going to a hotel that is two squares away from GO on the Monopoly board and b) because you are going to tea with Angloyankophile who is the most stylish girl in the history of creation (I am slowly Single White Female-ing her and plan to start with getting the same camera).
Step 4: After all your hard work corralling the curls into a shape that can fit through doorways make sure you get caught in a torrential downpour between Green Park tube and the Intercontinental Park Lane to ensure your hair grows three sizes by the time you arrive.
Step 5: Walk into the plush Wellington Lounge of the Intercontinental, see Angloyankophile sitting at the table and promptly break into a huge grin because she is an awesome human who is well worth getting big hair for.
Step 6: Look at the tea list, have the tea list explained to you, know your own mind and what tea you like. Panic and just say yes to the last thing that the waiter said. Then panic again and just order whatever Angloyankophile ordered (see above stalking comment).
Step 7: Try to convince yourself that grown-up bloggers would say yes to the jelly wheat-grass shot on the top of the afternoon tea tray. Then realise that you are not a grownup and if I have to eat wheat-grass jelly I never want to grow up.
Step 8: Get a tad overexcited at the multi-coloured swirl sandwiches and fall face first into your plate eating them all in a minute flat. Look up like a startled ferret when Angloyankophile asks which is your favourite, then hastily try to remember what they tasted like. It was the butternut squash by the way – why do more afternoon teas not play with squash?
Step 9: Try not to laugh at Angloyankophiles expression when the waiter comes and sprays us with perfume between courses. Apparently something to do with involving all the senses in the afternoon tea (it is called Scents of Summer after all) but actually just brilliantly entertaining to watch a surprise perfume attack.
Step 10: Marvel at the utterly gorgeous treat plate of flowers, chocolate shards, and EDIBLE ROCKS that is presented at the end of the afternoon tea. Almost too beautiful to eat (almost, we are not animals after all) and quite simply the most stunning afternoon tea plate I have ever had. EAT ALL THE THINGS.
Just follow those ten easy steps and you too can afternoon tea!!!