I was excited, damn excited. After booking months ago the day was finally here, the day that bloggers take Downton Abbey. After missing two trains and drinking coffee in anger I finally met the rest of the blogging delegation at the front gate, it was time to present ourselves to the Lord and Lady.
We knew something was up when they did not greet us personally at the door, one of their servants attempted some bald faced lie about ‘they are just character in a TV show’…but I knew the truth. Then we were told that we were not allowed to take photos in the house, while the others accepted this for commercial reasons my suspicions were growing; the Granthams wanted no photographic evidence that the lower classes had been given free reign over their house.
The rooms were just as they appear on TV, and seeing them raised more questions than answers. How did the rest of the family not hear Lady Mary disposing of Kemal Pamuk’s body when the rooms are so close together? Why is there a no smoking sign in the Smoking Room? And most importantly where the hell are all the bathrooms?
It wasn’t until we left the house under the premise of taking tea on the lawn that we discovered the real plot, the true way the Granthams were going to keep the lower classes out of Downton Abbey; attack bees.
I fought through the octogenarians at the cafe to order my scone and tea, and proudly (like the true lady I am) walked to our table overlooking the grounds. As soon as I opened my jam the bees descended, every buzz showing disdain for my working class roots. Every mouthful was a danger zone, with a bee trying to hitch a ride down my esophagus and infiltrate the lower classes from the inside. So there was only one option, run.
When the other bloggers returned to our table with their own scones (they were polite and waited rather than garroting the grey-haired brigade) I told them what they would have to do; prep the scones at another table and then run across the lawn faster than the bees while they ate. They just laughed. But once the buzzing menace descended they looked and me in astonishment and took my advice. My life will forever be improved by the memory of Jess and Jacintha trying to outrun a swarm of bees while eating scones on the lawn of Downton Abbey.