I write quite often about the highs and the lows of London; from the moments when you feel like you have unlocked the secrets of the universe to the ones where you want to just jump on a plane and go home. What I seem to have missed however are the ragey moments, the ones where you could quite happily stab someone in the heart with an icicle made of frozen hate tears. Please don’t think I have an anger issue* its just sometimes life culminates in the perfect clusterfuck and you just want to scream. Thankfully however there is a solution, London itself provides the perfect calming bath for the rage factory of life.
My favourite rage based activity has to be shopping in Primark. That place is essentially a free mosh pit filled with annoying teenagers and staff that look dead inside. Give yourself a challenge here, walk through the door and try to find a pink jumper with a cat playing the accordion on it for example. Then put in your iPod, get your elbows out and jostle your way to victory.
Coming a close second is something that I think even the novice Londoner will enjoy – tutting at people on the escalators in the underground. Now you may have to travel a bit for this, because it is most effective on the stations frequented by tourists i.e. Embankment, Leicester Square or Oxford Circus. All you do is rock down the walking half of the escalator and give that perfected London ‘EXCUSE ME’ coupled with the shoulder tap of doom to any tourists standing in the walking zone. Satisfaction level = high.
A favourite for most true Londoners is the hipster pub rage time. Head to the heart of London, Shoreditch or South Bank work well for this, and find the most painfully hip pub on the street. Go in and order an ambiguous sounding cocktail then proceed to spend the next hour complaining about the price, the atmosphere and possibly whatever the cocktail is decorated with. Think in terms of “in my day a cocktail was a shot of gin before we went to school and it only cost 10p”. The perk of this is the approving nods you will get from anyone over 30.
Now if you are angry because you want to change things I have the solution for you – join a protest. Even if what you are angry about is the bad coffee in the machine at work, joining the latest anti-Tory/pro-NHS/football protest outside parliament is a great way to make your voice heard, and see a lovely tourist attraction at the same time.
If you are still feeling ragey after a Primark, London Underground, hipster bar protest binge I have one more suggestion to still the beast within…get wet. Minds out of the gutter people! I mean go and find some water, whether it is the many outdoor Lidos that London has to offer, a trip down the Thames to Greenwich or even just standing outside in the pouring rain. Let all the bad juju drain away from your soul and turn the fuck-nos into fuck-yeahs.
*I mean, I do … to the extent that my colleagues call me ‘Angel Eyes’ because that is my murderer name.