Listen up darlings, this weather is NOT NORMAL for December.
A friend of mine who is so cold blooded he is basically a reptile came over for dinner the other night wearing a cardigan instead of a jacket…A CARDIGAN…IN DECEMBER. He didn’t even have a scarf on, oh the humanity. While I am slightly stoked about the warmer weather because it means I still haven’t had figure out the heating in my flat, there are so many dire and unexpected consequences of this 16 degree balmy London December. You know the consequences that are far more important than the global warming death of the planet type things.
You can’t complain about the weather to your parents
82% of the joy of Skyping your parents in December is to heroically sigh about how cold it is and be heaped with love from the other side of the world. If you make your sigh particularly poignent you might even get surprise pre-Christmas presents in the post. Sadly your long drawn out sigh is made slightly less credible when you are sitting there in a t-shirt.
You can’t wear your Christmas jumper
Well you can, but there was a serious danger of damp business men passing out on the tube on Christmas Jumper Day. These poor Christmas jumpers wait around all year for the one week where its their time to shine, only to be cast hopelessly over the back of the office chair because it is too damn hot to wear it.
Christmas alcoholism is slightly less justified
One of the BEST things about a super cold December is that drinking becomes almost compulsory because you ‘have to stay warm’. Having that third mulled wine just doesn’t feel as NHS approved as normal since its still warm enough to drink on the footpath outside the pub.
You actually had to turn up for work every day
The greatest joy about dodgy December weather is normally the couple of days where the weather is so bad that the Tube is closed, and all office workers get the joy of ‘working from home’ aka drinking tea in front of Jeremy Kyle while sending a couple of well timed emails. Because of the bad weather deficit this year I have had to go to work every day and be dedicated and stuff, all the while filled with an internal not-freezing rage.
You can’t feel smug about a Christmas stay-cation
One of the big benefits of being too skint to travel at Christmas is getting to see all the flights delayed or cancelled while you are happily watching movies in your moldy London flat. But because of this mid-teens weather you now have to bubble with jealously as literally everyone you knows jets off to Norway, Portugal or New Zealand with their travel plans completely uninterrupted.
All the baby-expats think you were lying about last year(s)
Boooooooooooooooooooo to all you expats who have come over in the last year and scoff at us old timers for saying that winter in London is tough. I swear it was bad, honestly last winter I thought my nipples would fall off from frostbite. It was so cold that Frozen was banned across the country because people couldn’t take some Disney bint saying the cold didn’t bother her. Trust me when I say IT WILL GET COLDER SO STOP LAUGHING.
You can’t make insane life choices
Something about sub zero temperatures makes any decision seem awesome. Buying 1kg of feathers online? Go for it. Booking a trek up Kilimanjaro? No problem, at least it will be warm. Swiping right on that guy on Tinder? At least you will cut down on the heating bill and gym membership. But this warm weather is just screwing everything up, I haven’t booked any random trips, no unexpected internet purchases and I have even deleted Tinder from my phone.
Its confusing the daffodils
Why does no one ever think of the daffodils? They are arriving in London like the most awkwardly early party guest ever. Instead of everyone being all excited to see them next year they just get to clash with the Christmas decorations and be ignored by the rushing crowds. Oh the humanity.
Pin me for later!