Everyone is doing these looking back roundup posts this week and no-one loves a bandwagon more than me. So after hunting through a school journal, some vague memories and early social media posts here is what I thought 2015 would be like and what it actually turned out to be.
From my 13yr old journal that I filled in one page of: 2015 would be nothing but parties
Oh 13 year old me, this 27 year old laughs in your general direction. I have finally reached the age where going round to someone’s house and watching TV is acceptable again, except now WE DRINK. The major issues I have with the 13 year old me’s concept of parties:
|Clubbing||Everything is sticky. Like everything. The bar, the floor and most disturbingly the boys…all sticky.|
|House party||If you can’t swing a cat in a London flat what the hell makes you think you can fit a house party in?|
|In a pub||Actually this one is quite reasonable as long as it is not crowded, not too far from my flat, there is a fire and I don’t have to mortgage my non-existent house in order to buy a G&T.|
Instead of outrageous parties filled with drugs, sex and holding hands with boys the girls of 2015 find thrills in other ways; like choosing from the chocolate tray without checking the little card thing first, or smiling at a dog on the tube, and if we are feeling really racy we might even take the risk on something that Netflix suggests (damn you Netflix I at least three more years before I turn Crazy Cat Lady).
From my first ever tweet circa 23yrs old: by 2015 I will have a house and a cat
Oh good lord surely even knee deep in the recession me could see that a house was out of the picture? Apparently not. On the plus side I now have something to talk about at the parties that I don’t go to. As for the cat situation I am now so desperate that I follow an account on twitter that reviews cats that people meet on the street.
From my daydreams when I was 8: in 2015 I would be a pop-star Prime Minister with a brain surgeon husband and a marine biologist in my spare time.
Amazing how as a kid you think that ‘anything’ is within your grasp and the lame career choices of adults is just due to a lack of imagination. I remember scoffing at my sisters life choices when she was 14 because she didn’t have a successful music career ‘like Mandy Moore’. Sorry 8 year old me, even auto tune can’t save my voice and at the moment to be Prime Minister apparently you have to put your privates in a pig…so no. As for the husband & marine biologist schtick; well a boy once liked my Instagram which is totally true love and turns out dolphins are actually hipster twat-waffles who are always laughing at you. However I do work in a place where they occasionally wrap you in bubble wrap and put you in boxes which I consider a win.
From my first ever Facebook update circa 17yrs old: 2015 would mean NO SCHOOL
Ok so I will give you that one, school sucked the big one. Turns out work is a bit like school except there are no free periods and if you don’t turn up you can’t pay your rent. Oh and the closest you get to mufti day is that once a year you get to wear a deliberately ugly Christmas jumper to work. On the bright side you can make yourself as many cups of tea as you want… so there is that? Although the unlimited tea thing has its own consequences when you feel weird for the number of times you had to go pee. Wait what was I talking about?
From a temper tantrum when I was 3: in 2015 I can eat whatever I want
This one is 100% true and 99% rocks. You can literally eat what you want, whenever you want and only your bank balance will tell you no. The 1% of not rocking comes from the whole ‘oh god what have I done with my life’ feelings when you have built yourself a fort out of Rolos and are defending it against mauradering gang of Snickers.
So kids, that was my look back at what I thought 2015 would be and what it was actually like. Bring on 2016!
UPDATE: Oh shit, my friend Jaime just called. Apparently these posts are only meant to look back on my assumptions from the ‘start of 2015’ me. #awkward.