Ask my friends about my diary management skills and they will laugh so hard that gin is inelegantly snorted. At work I am an Outlook invite ninja, living for those accepted meeting invites like I’m a junky waiting for my next hit. But at home? Lol. NOPE. I normally just get SO EXCITED at planning new things that I immediately say yes and then forget about it until about an hour before when a friend texts to remind me. So yes, I was the idiot that double booked myself for brunch last Saturday.
Now, when most people double book themselves they make it better by cancelling one. Me? Yeah I just went ahead and made it worse by adding in another brunch. Because I’m a sucker for punishment. And because I really like brunch.
So that was the plan, an operation of military precision. Three brunches in three hours, all at different cafes. I was fucked.
This dumb pilgrimage started at Shoreditch Grind, and for once in my life I was on time. Turns out that love, money or education can’t make me turn up when I am supposed to…but brunch? Two minutes early bitches.
Shoreditch Grind isn’t the first thought for most peoples brunch escapades, its little, busy and literally no-one knows where the food comes from because WHERE THE HELL IS THE KITCHEN. I decided to start by taking it easy and going for the classic smashed avocado and chili on toast, with a flat white on the side naturally. As the avo on toast got put down in front of me I was pumped, this brunch challenge was literally the best idea I have ever had.
Status update after first brunch
Mood: Excited like a brat on Christmas morning
Hunger level: Concerningly content
Thinking about: How big my hair will get in the rain by the end of the challenge
Because of my frankly stupendous planning the second brunch was a short walk round the corner to Ozone. Sensibly Ozone had cornered the loud kiwi group in the basement where we would be the least disruption to other diners. In about ten minutes we had talked our way from travel to the NHS, and by the time we got our coffees we were in some kind of giggling vortex.
I did have mild panic at Ozone, that all my plans would have been for naught, because we didn’t receive our food until 45 minutes after sitting down. While this was a welcome break that allowed me to digest my first brunch (and slam back some coffees) it also meant that the pancakes I ordered (buttermilk pancakes with tonka bean labneh, blueberries & almonds) had to be eaten in 15 minutes before running to the third venue.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Well, I ain’t got no wisdom so I attacked the pancakes like a feral cat on a can of tuna and ran away before anyone else had taken their first bite. In this brunch adventure I may lose friends but at least I will gain a lot of brunch.
Status update after second brunch
Hunger level: Fit to burst
Thinking about: Why the flying fuckles I got myself into this? This is not a hobby, this is a mental breakdown.
After escaping Ozone I was too full to run, so I pretended I was Miranda and galloped to Blixen about 15 minutes away. Charging through the door I expected to be greeted like Mo Farah at the end of a marathon… instead I was close to being sectioned when my friends found out this was my third brunch of the day. Sometimes people just don’t understand the dreamers.
I may have got a little over excited when a flat white arrived at the table moments after I sat down (think Leo finally winning an Oscar levels of excitement), but rather than Blixen recognising my brunching prowess it turns out someone else had ordered it and I had to wait for my flat white like a pleb.
Going for my usual poached eggs on potato rosti, it was a battle of wills; Rebecca vs brunch. I was post-Christmas lunch full at this point, but with the support of my friends I did it…I god damn did it.
Status update after third brunch
Mood: Crying like a small child
Hunger level: Won’t need to eat for the rest of the year
Thinking about: Getting a certificate of achievement made
My thoughts after this brunching insanity? Its good to have goals in life and to aim high when setting them. I mean, you could train for years for a shot at the Olympics, or you could try doing three brunches in three hours on a rainy Saturday in London. Your choice.
After all that there really was only one thing for me to do, find the closest wine bar to toast my achievement.