Sometimes London can be a bit of a wankpuffin. Not inherently evil; just grey, exhausting and full of bankers. But as an expat you have a responsibility to uphold the green green grass and make everyone at home as jealous as a fuckmonkey. I don’t mind if you do it by casual Instagram photos, smug Facebook statuses, or a holier than thou email – you have to get the ‘I’m better than you because I live in London’ point across. It is your burden to bear and I’m here to help through it.
Make people think that you are at London fashion week
This is important because it’s both an exclusive event and something that you can only experience in London – aka the jackpot. Your first problem is that you don’t have any fashionable clothes and after 8 months of winter you look like a mole-rat; you are going to have to improvise. Get a massive scarf, a bed sheet or a medium sized cat and wrap it around your neck. Then find a dodgy allyway and get ready for your close up. Wrap your scarf/cat/sheet across your face from your nose down, zoom in close and only capture the wall, your eyes and your furry/sheety face. Then post to Instagram with a snotty caption about not liking the Vivienne Westwood show and geotag it to London Fashion Week – your friends back home will hate you and your fabulous life.
Convince people that you enjoy your commute
People talk about commuting more than they talk about holidays, it is crucial that you have a good story. If you boss your commute people will think you are a strong powerful millennial worthy of trust and promotions, it’s that important. The most popular option for a jealously inducing commute is to take all the money you were planning to spend on holidays this year, add it to your rent and sell your body on the street – that way you can afford to live in Zone 1 and you can walk to work. The daily smugness of telling you had a gentle walk instead of worrying about a tube strike is well worth all the cancelled holidays.
For those of you that don’t feel prostitution is an option (I get it, winter is cold here) another option is to try to be the weirdest person on the tube to make other people avoid you (and guarantee you a seat). Given that I have seen someone dressed as a realistic panda bear, a real life parrot with an Oyster Card, and a man urinating on himself while broadly smiling at the carriage and talking about the weather this might be hard. If you manage it that bubble of personal space will make your commute feel like a dream.
Play hipster hide and seek
You have to let people back home know that you have a full and happy life – convincing them that you are totally busy and not just at home watching Netflix every night. One totally free game that all the kids are doing these days is playing hipster hide and seek. Dress up as a hipster and tell your friends to try and find you in Shoreditch. Seriously this is hours of fun and is the 2016 version of Wheres Wally. I won the game last weekend by growing a beard, rolling up the ankles on my jeans, putting an apple sticker on my laptop and hiding in the lobby of the Ace Hotel. No one could find me. In fact, they still haven’t found me. Please help.
Lets be honest, being permanently drunk on gin can get pricey. So pricey in fact that your original dreams of going to Europe every weekend have literally gone down the toilet. Never fear, you can still convince people back home that you are living the expat dream. Find a country themed restaurant in London, like Katzenjammers German beer hall in Southbank, go there with your latest Tinder date and get heavy on the selfies. Make sure when you post them to Facebook you set your location as a random bar in Berlin or your friends will know something is hinky.
With these simple steps all your friends back home will be writhing on the floor with jealousy and be considering moving over to London to live the expat dream. It’s ideal really, you need more people over here since you keep losing people when you play hipster hide and seek…