I like this blog to be a place full of information, of musings and help when you need it. But today team I am the one in need of help, I need you to help me figure out why the hell I have a can of tinned peaches in my bedroom. Now I know this is not exactly one of life’s bigger mysteries, it’s no Stonehenge or trying to figure out how wifi works – but it is important to me. I was spring cleaning my room when I discovered a can of peaches, Waitrose home brand if you were wondering because I am classy but broke. I have no idea how it got there. I have lived in my current flat for about eight months now and the curious can of peaches could have infiltrated it at any point. Because I’m, well…me; I spent four hours last night just thinking about the can of peaches and exactly how it ended up in my room. Below are my theories, please help me find the answer. PLEASE.
Concerned mother theory
I know that my Mum worries about me, and to be fair when you read this blog she might have cause to. The big problem about living your life on social media is that your mum in NZ can see your current food pyramid is 98% gin and 2% burgers. Is this mysterious can of peaches her way of trying to get me to eat more fruit? She is a wily one and I wouldn’t put it passed her to be in cahoots with my flatmate or a friendly neighbourhood burglar just to get the peaches into my room. All in the hopes that I would be surprised by them one day and that my fight or flight reflex would respond by eating them.
Guerrilla marketing theory
Marketing people are getting clever. I now get pop ups on google for black blazers when all I did was mention my burning desire for one to a friend in a pub. I swear it’s not too long until Google figures out my cycle and I start getting ice cream and ‘how to not stab people’ adverts at that time of the month. Is the tin of peaches in the same vein? Is the big peach consortium of the world trying to get clever to stop cumquats overtaking them in the tinned fruit game? Maybe that is why the Government say crime rates are falling, the big peach conglomerates have actually hired all the thieves to put peaches into people’s homes rather than taking TVs out of them.
Really lame god theory
We all pray in desperation sometimes, out of hope or fear. This tin of peaches could just be an overstretched god trying to make everyone happy. I mean the world has more people than ever living on it, so god must have more prayers than ever headed her way. This tin of peaches could be the equivalent to a busy mother knowing that the kids need dinner but throwing a chocolate bar in their faces just to keep them quiet. God knows that I didn’t ask for a tin of peaches, but maybe with current time constraints and everyone going on annual leave over Easter it’s the greatest amount of joy for the least amount of godly effort.
Sentient peaches theory
What if this is the start to peaches taking over the world? It all starts with a can in one London bedroom, then another and another. Soon we have welcomed tinned peaches into our world without question, using them to balance coffee tables, as book ends or to hold up laptops. Just as we have fully integrated the peaches into our lives the peaches strike…