For once this is not some sort of click-bait title, I legitimately went on the worlds longest flight (by distance) to fly from London to New Zealand a couple of days ago. The reason this post is a couple of day delayed is because HOLY CRAP THE INTERNET IN NEW ZEALAND IS BAD. And my 3G is not working. And I got distracted by eating my body weight in burger rings and weet-bix. But now that I have finished work, found some internet and there is no food in immediate reach I can tell you about all the things that went wrong on the worlds longest flight.
The first issue was that I was unbelievably hungover. I didn’t think I drank much at the Christmas party the night before, but then I found 98 photos of me putting on lipstick and cried when I couldn’t find my UK to NZ adapter. So yes, maybe I was a little hungover.
When I arrived at the check-in counter it seemed to take a long time, far longer than I was used to anyway. There was Christmas travel chaos around me with kids clearly forgetting that Santa is making a naughty list and staff treating the travelers like a military incursion. My check-in guy had to go away and make two phone calls, looking at me suspiciously throughout (again, I was quite hungover so I couldn’t tell if this was just prosecco based paranoia). Once he was off the phone I asked what was wrong; turns out there was a do not fly tag on my passport. This was not what I wanted to hear.
The tag was on the final leg of the flight aka the arriving in New Zealand part. Yes, the New Zealand government didn’t want me back. Maybe they heard that I was cheating on them with the UK? My stressed out check-in man had to call the New Zealand boarder control and say ‘she has a NZ passport, whats up with the hold’. After half an hour at the check in desk, with hundreds of families glaring at me for taking so long, New Zealand finally said I could come back and took the hold of my passport.
So that was the end of that right? Nope. Because I’m an idiot. I thought when I booked that I was flying London>Dubai>Sydney/Melbourne>Auckland because that is what had happened every other time I had flown Emirates. When my check-in man handed me two boarding passes I got in a strop and demanded “why have you given me only two boarding passes”. He looked at me like I was a bit special and said “because you have two flights”. Oh. Turns out I had accidentally booked the longest flight in the world, the mega 16.5 hour flight from Dubai direct to Auckland. I am an idiot.
How do you even tackle a 16.5 hour flight? HOW? Lady luck was shining on me a little because I was in the only row without small children (never ever fly at Christmas, its like Santa’s workshop except no one is making toys and all the elves cry during takeoff) which meant I could down three gins without judgement. I then drugged myself senseless and slept for as long as possible – which turns out is five hours. Sleeping for 5 hours on a normal flight is a miracle, sleeping for 5 hours on the worlds longest flight still leaves you with 11 hours to fill.
Thankfully Emirates seems to have catered for me specifically. The entire Starwars collection was on their entertainment system, and since I am a self confessed dork who SHOCK has never seen Starwars it was a dream come true. I made it through the first two before I moved on to Hunt for the Wilderpeople, and initial Star based thoughts are:
- Where are all the women?
- Why did the little round robot not just take the plans to the rebel base right away, what did the old dude have to do with it?
- How does Leia always have such nice hair?
- I want one of those walking robots from the ice planet, they look cute and could be a replacement cat.
- If I were the rebels I would not just move to another base, I would have ten bases with ships of strategic importance divided across systems.
- I want an egg office like Darth Vader.
Oh and Hunt for the Wilderpeople is the best movie ever. Not Starwars related, but important none the less.
I eventually made it to Auckland and landed face first into brunch and a hug. I don’t know how much blogging I will be able to do until I make it back into a civilised country with good internet, so if I don’t see you MERRY CHRISTMAS.