I killed five succulents last year, yes those ‘impossible to kill’ succulents. I can be accused both of over loving, under loving and accidentally giving one gin…if they were children I would be locked up. But since they are plants I can just ashamedly put them in the bin and head to my local market for more. There is no register for serial succulent killers.
Quite why Lex and Aaron decided to ask me to plant sit while they were in Japan is beyond me. It is possible they didn’t know about the succulent massacre of 2017, but they have been in my flat enough times to see the ever revolving door of small green things, so they must have had an inkling. Despite their possible misgivings they left me in sole charge of Felicity the house plant for almost a month.
It all started off so fine. I watered Felicity the required amount every few days while whispering mantras of empowerment into her spiky leaves. I positioned her as close to the window as possible so that the weak winter sun could bring her joy. I even left audiobooks playing while I was at work, I know Lex and Aaron would want their little plant entertained (she really liked hearing about Stephen Fry’s adventures with cocaine in the 80’s).
But then a week ago, something weird started to happen. One day I bumped into Felicity as I was getting ready in the morning. She had been sitting near the window as per usual, but when I rounded the corner to go and put my makeup on she seemed to be a little further out from the wall than when I left her, causing me to jostle her as I went by. I didn’t think much of it, I put it down to the usual pre-coffee clumsiness. Oh how wrong I was, I wish I had known what was to befall me.
A couple of days later I was sitting at my computer, much as I am now (although I wasn’t shaking, heart racing in panic as I am now). I saw an airplane flying past my window and I started thinking about my upcoming trip to Florida with my parents. I was all excited thinking of the sunshine and laughter, when I glanced to my right and saw Felicity – staring right at me.
She won’t stop. Like a Weeping Angel, Felicity haunts me. Its fine when I’m at work and she can’t get me, but when I am back in my flat I can feel her watching. I never see her move, but she is always in a different spot every time I turn around. Could Felicity know about the succulents? Is she here to get retribution?
I don’t know what to do, I fear there are not many places to hide from a vengeful flamingo in a studio flat. Oh god, I can see her in the hallway now. Felicity is coming for me.
Lex, Aaron, what have you done?