It snowed in London last week, did anyone tell you? There was the initial sparkling magic, then the commuter panic and now the recriminations about why weren’t better prepared. Just the normal British weather cycle really. In the midst of it all I was scheduled to go to a snow themed event that had been in my calendar for a month – I’m not saying that the event manager caused the polar vortex but it is suspicious.
The event, put on by The Post Office, had an interesting premise. We’ve all heard of après ski and dreamed of the glamorous fondu based life on top of the mountain and then in the middle of the mountain, and then at the bottom of the mountain? Well, those skiing numptys are invalidating their insurance – you can’t drink then ski. And not only that, but the alcohol is more likely to put them in a position that they need said insurance. In essence, they are about to get a short sharp shaft up the polar vortex.
On this cold Wednesday evening we set out to prove the hypothesis. At the start of the event (aka sober) we hopped on a virtual reality skiing game and got a score. Then FOR SCIENCE we had some gin cocktails and at the end we needed to do the simulator again to see how much alcohol had impaired our performance.
First problem: I had gin before I got there because it was snowing and I like gin
Second problem: on my first run I killed a deer on accident and then got scared and crashed into a rock
Third problem: I am genetically proven to handle alcohol excellently (I will post about this at some point)
I sat down and drank some (many) hot gin cocktails (holy vortex these were good) because science told me to. At some point I got involved in a skiing based board game that my new friend Ashley promised was “just like snakes and ladders”. No, it was a hellfire with four pages of instructions where nothing made sense and there was a 12 sided dice. I acquired more gin, a snowmobile, made it up a chairlift and then couldn’t get down a black run and Ashley ended up winning. I have no idea what happened.
Before it was time to transition from the fake snow back into the real blizzard, I needed to have my second run on the ski simulator. If you remember, on my first run I killed a deer (not ideal), and by this point in the evening I was relaxed and full of both gin and righteous board game anger. My second run was a dream, a literal dream. On the original I scored 19,607 but on this second run I scored 33,655. So, is the theory incorrect? Do you ski better when drunk? Yeah, no. Promptly after my dream virtual reality run I fell off a chair. So, lets listen to the experts on this one and don’t drink and ski – it will invalidate your insurance.